Raising Children with Healthy Self-Esteem

With all of the challenges that youth face today, healthy self-esteemmseems to be more important than ever before.  Children who feel good about themselves are more likely to build positive friendships, succeed in school, resist negative pressures, and enjoy many other advantages.

The development of one’s self-esteem begins very early on in life.  For instance, a baby who finally learns to crawl after several unsuccessful attempts learns that if he keeps trying, he can accomplish his goals. This contributes to healthy self-esteem.  And a toddler who makes her mom laugh when she makes a funny face learns that she can elicit positive reactions from others, which can lead her to feel good about herself.

Self-esteem can develop from interactions with others, as well as from one’s own feelings about his/her abilities.  It often fluctuates somewhat as children encounter different challenges and re-evaluate their abilities, weaknesses, and how others perceive them.

As a parent, there is a lot you can do to help your child feel good about himself/herself at any age.

Benefits to Positive Self-Esteem

While the advantages of healthy self-esteem can differ from person to person, here are some common benefits:

• Acknowledge their strengths, but can also recognize areas in which they can improve
• More likely to have healthy, strong friendships
• More likely to keep trying when facing obstacles
• More likely to take care of themselves physically and emotionally
• More likely to treat others well because they believe they have skills to offer and that others value them
• Can usually work well independently or in groups

Consequences of Low Self-Esteem

While the issues associated with low self-esteem can differ from person to person, here are some of the more common problems:

• More likely to be victimized by others
• Social and emotional problems
• More likely to suffer from depression, anxiety, and/or other mental illnesses
• Give up easily when facing challenges
• Caving into peer pressure and/or going along with the crowd, rather than making independent decisions

Signs That Your Child Has Low Self-Esteem

If you are concerned that your child has low self-esteem, you may wish to complete this survey.  Select 1, 2, or 3 depending on how well each description fits  your child.

1 = Doesn’t describe my child at all.

2 = Describes my child somewhat.

3 = Describes my child well.

1 – 2 – 3            Becomes easily frustrated when facing a difficult task

1 – 2 – 3            Makes negative statements about self, such as “I’m dumb” or “I do everything wrong”

1 – 2 – 3            Doesn’t like to try new things

1 – 2 – 3            Is overly pessimistic

1 – 2 – 3            Is very critical of himself/herself

1 – 2 – 3            Feels others don’t like him/her

1 – 2 – 3            Acts aggressively towards others, or others act aggressively toward him/her

1 – 2 – 3            Exhibits extreme shyness or extreme boldness

1 – 2 – 3            Clings to me to avoid interacting with others

1 – 2 – 3            Has difficulty making decisions

The more 2s and 3s you identify, the more likely it is that your child is suffering from low self-esteem.  However, keep in mind that this survey is NOT a scientific assessment – it’s for informational purposes only.  Please consult a mental health specialist if you are concerned about your child.

How You Can Help Your Child

Whether or not your child has low self-esteem, it’s always a good idea to help your child develop positive feelings about himself/herself. Here are some suggestions for how to do so:

• Be a positive role model.  Treating yourself kindly and having realistic expectations for yourself teach your child to do the same.  On the other hand, if you talk badly about yourself and are overly critical of your shortcomings, your child may pick up on these behaviors and feel similarly negative about himself/herself.
• Encourage your child to participate in fun extracurricular activities, such as team sports, art classes, or music lessons.  Developing one’s skills in an area of interest can build self-confidence, and many of these activities involve groups, which can help your child to make friends with similar interests.
• Foster a secure, loving environment at home.  Children who are abused or are victims of parental alienation syndrome (say from a bad divorce,) or exposed to bad fights between their parents or other family members are likely to suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and many other issues.  Children who grow up in a respectful, caring, safe environment are much more likely to feel good about themselves.
• Recognize your child’s inaccurate self-perceptions, and help him/her to adjust them.  For example, if she says that she’s a bad student because she’s having trouble with a history assignment, point out that she’s a great student because she always studies her hardest and manages to push through even when the assignments are tough.
• Show your child that you love him/her by showing affection, spending time together, and taking an active interest in his/her life.  Children with involved, warm parents are more likely to develop positive self-esteem and to perceive themselves as deserving of love.

Seeking Professional Treatment

If you’ve tried the above suggestions and your child still seems to be dealing with low self-esteem, you may wish to have him/her speak with a mental health professional.  Qualified therapists are trained in methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and EMDR, which can be useful in releasing painful memories that may be triggering self-esteem issues in the present.  Additionally, therapy can help your child to develop healthier thought patterns and ways of perceiving himself/herself.

Low self-esteem is an unfortunately common problem, but the good news is there is help out there.  Many other children have managed to build their self-esteem with the help of professional treatment, and your child can do the same.

Please contact Mark Dworkin LCSW at (516) 731-7611 or through email at mark@markdworkin.com for more information. Mark is available for speaking engagements for the general public and professional communities, radio and tv appearances, seminars, webinars, enhancing professional development, workshops and trainings. Check out Mark’s Mental Health Store for videos on relative topics you may be interested in, such as: Build Your Teen’s Self Esteem, Avoid Parental Alienation, Accepting Your Gay Teen’s Sexuality, and more.