Parental alienation describes a terrible situation that sometimes takes place following separations or divorces.  It occurs when one parent (the ‘alienating’ parent) intimidates the child, either covertly or overtly, into rejecting the other parent (‘alienated’ or targeted parent).  When a child who was previously close with the parent suddenly seems to reject him/her, it’s often due to this coercion by the other parent.

Parental alienation is harmful and abusive to the child, and can have a devastating effect on the parent-child relationship.  It selfishly deprives the child of the right to experience love from both parents, and deprives the alienated parent of the right to be involved in the child’s life.

It’s important to note that this situation does NOT apply in situations in which the alienated parent was physically, sexually, or emotionally abuse to the child.  Parental alienation characterizes estrangement between a parent and child who once had a healthy, loving relationship.  The alienation is not in the best interests of the child, whereas in abuse circumstances, it would potentially be beneficial for the child.

Signs of Parent Alienation

While signs may differ depending on the situation, there are certain signs that are commonly present in situations of parental alienation.  You may wish to use this checklist to determine if this estrangement is occurring in your family. (*Please note that this is an informational guide – it’s not a scientific form of assessment*)

  The child feels guilty for displaying love or affection for the alienated parent.

  The child disrespects or humiliates the alienated parent.

  The child is encouraged to play with friends or participate in other activities, rather than spending time with the alienated parent.

  The language the child uses to explain the rejection of the alienated parent does not sound like his/her own words. (For example, “She touched me inappropriately” is not likely a sentence a young child would think of on his/her own.)

  The child fears being rejected by the alienating parent, so he/she will do anything please this parent.

   The child’s statements, actions, etc. seem to mimic those of the alienating parent.

   The child feels powerful when teaming up with the alienating parent.

   The child desperately seeks approval from the alienating parent.

   The child and/or alienating parent make comments insinuating that the alienated parent has been abusive in some way (when this is not true).

   The child has difficulty remembering the warm, happy, fun memories of time spent with the alienated parent.

   The child makes excuses to avoid spending time with the alienated parent.

Effects on Children

Parental alienation can have devastating effects on innocent children.  For instance, it may cause children to:

• Feel confused and frightened
• Feel bullied by the alienating parent
• Falsely believe that the targeted (alienated) parent is ‘bad,’ is the enemy, causing problems, etc.
• Lose their sense of safety and security
• Experience negative emotional reactions
• Develop maladaptive behavior patterns

Research indicates that the effects of parental alienation can be long-lasting, and cause significant issues for children later on in their lives. 

What If The Child Doesn’t Want To Spend Time With The Alienated Parent?

The child’s wishes are important, but it’s crucial to make sure that what the child wants is really being reflected by what the child says.  Unless there has been physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse inflicted on the child by the alienated parent, it is generally best that the child is still be encouraged to spend time with him/her (though this may not be true in all circumstances).

Sometimes it’s the case that the child has been brainwashed by the alienating parent into thinking he/she doesn’t want to have contact with the alienated parent; this is especially true in cases in which the child previously had a close relationship with the alienated parent.  This might satisfy the child in the short term, but in the long term, it’s usually in the child’s best interests to have both parents involved in his/her life.

Admitting There’s A Problem

If you are the alienating parent, it can be difficult to admit that what you’re doing is causing harm – after all, all parents want to feel needed and loved by their child.  But there is no reason your child can’t love and spend time with BOTH of you.  He/she will be a happier, healthier child if not deprived of his/her right to do so.

If you’re preventing your child from experiencing a positive, supportive relationship with his/her other parent (and the other parent was not causing harm to the child), then you ARE being abusive.   It’s a difficult thing to hear and accept, but it’s necessary.  You don’t have to be physically or sexually abusing your child to be causing harm – alienating your child’s other parent is an emotional form of abuse.  It needs to stop, for the sake of your child.

And if you are the alienated parent, it’s important that you acknowledge the possibility that you are taking on the victim role and failing to recognize your contribution to the alienation.  This is often the case with alienated parents, though this is not uniform.  There are situations in which the alienated parent has actually been victimized by the ex-spouse.  It’s important to figure out which scenario applies to your family, with the help of a therapist.

Seeking Treatment

If you’re family is experiencing parental alienation, it’s essential that you seek treatment by a mental health professional.  Qualified therapists are trained in methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and EMDR, which may be helpful in working through past issues that are affecting the present, and changing maladaptive thoughts and behaviors to improve family functioning.

All family members should be involved in psychotherapy sessions – the alienating parent, the alienated parent, and the child(ren).  Often, individual sessions are useful in helping each person to work on his/her own issues that may be contributing to the problem or the personal troubling emotions this situation is stirring up within you.  Group therapy for the whole family is beneficial because the psychotherapist can help you to develop more constructive interaction patterns and to shift the focus from the parents’ own desires onto the child’s wellbeing, where it should be.

If your child is suffering from parental alienation, it needs to stop.  This situation will likely cause many issues throughout his/her childhood and adult life if you do not seek treatment to resolve this alienation.

Other families have experienced similar struggles, and with the help of a mental health specialist have been able to get through it.  Whether you are the alienating or alienated parent, please seek treatment for your family – for the sake of your child.

For more information, you can contact Mark Dworkin LCSW at (516) 731-7611 or mark@markdworkin.com or check out Mark’s Mental Health Store for helpful videos on topics such as: “Protect Against Parental Alienation Syndrome,” “Build Your Teen’s Self Esteem,” “Soothe Separation Anxiety,” and more. Mark is available for speaking engagements for the general public and professional communities, radio and tv appearances, seminars, webinars, enhancing professional development, workshops and trainings.

Sources

Lowenstein, L. F. (2005).  Signs of parental alienation and how to counteract its effects.  Parental alienation.  Retrieved Nov. 26, 2010 from http://www.parental-alienation.info/publications/24-sigofparalisynandhowtocouitseff.htm

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