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Infidelity
It seems like today it has become more and more common to hear that someone has been cheated on. Approximately 60-70% of men will have an affair during their marriage, and approximately 50% of women will as well. This is staggering!
The reasons are many. Some of the most common ones I’ve heard during my practice career are:
- Low self esteem
- Differing sexual drives
- Revenge for the wife or husband spending time playing golf or going shopping
- Feeling neglected
- The wife seems to pay more attention to the children
- The husband no longer finds his wife attractive after childbirth
Infidelity is frequently referred to as cheating, and it is used to describe a situation where one partner (whether it be a husband, wife, or lover) is unfaithful to the other partner. This unfaithfulness can be sexual or non-sexual in nature. Most people think of infidelity as strictly a sexual betrayal, but often times it can be emotional straying that is the problem. Emotional straying involves a person developing an intense, intimate emotional connection with someone other than their spouse or significant other.
These days, a lot of people put in many long hours at work. Maybe you and some friends from work go out for a drink after a long day to vent about the stress of work. It is normal to develop friendships with co workers. However, sometimes these friendships can develop into something stronger. A common type of infidelity is referred to as a workplace romance, or an office affair. Cheating with someone at work can be easier than meeting a stranger and developing a relationship because you already know them and you spend a lot of time with them at work.
In most cases, there are signs that your significant other may be cheating on you. These signs, listed below, are for educational and informational purposes only, and if your significant other shows some of these signs, it does not necessarily mean they are cheating on you. These are just a few things to be aware of and look out for:
- Physical Appearance – he/she may suddenly go out of their way to look nice
- Unexplained money missing – If there are charges for flowers or different restaurants on joint credit card or bank accounts, and you didn’t receive flowers or eat at that restaurant, it is normal to suspect infidelity. They may be withdrawing extra cash from the ATM but you aren’t sure where the money goes
- Change in your sex life – Your partner may be “too tired” or show no interest in sex, or they could want it more and be open to trying new things
- Spending more time away from home – your partner is suddenly working late very often or has to take weekend business trips that they never took before
- Cell phone usage – Cell phones have become very popular, and it is very rare that someone is without their phone. Unfortunately, this makes it easier for people to cheat. If your partner silences their phone, takes calls in another room, or you see activity on the bill with a common number you don’t recognize, it could be a sign.
- They may smell different, like someone else’s perfume or cologne.
- They may bring you more unexpected gifts.
If any of these signs hit a little too close to home for you, it is possible that your significant other has been straying.
Finding out that you have been cheated on can be very traumatic. You may feel completely shocked. You probably wonder what you did wrong and blame yourself for what happened. You may be in denial, thinking that this can’t be happening to you. It may feel like your emotions are all over the place. One minute you may want to scream and yell at your significant other, and the next minute all you want to do is cry. It is possible you will go back and forth about whether or not ending it is the right thing to do. It is also completely normal to have a physical reaction to finding out you have been cheated on as well. You may feel depressed, nauseous, or experience headaches.
What can you do about it?
Informational Strategies
- Talk to your close friends. Let them know how you feel. It is important to have a good support system; friends can help make this easier.
- Be careful about talking to your family at first. They may become so enraged that they will never forgive your partner, even if you do.
- Focus on yourself and do things that make you happy. Your main priority should be YOU. Take a trip, or spend your time doing something you enjoy. It can help you feel better and keep your mind distracted.
- Don’t blame yourself. Understand that it is not your fault your partner strayed.
- Get a check up from your internist. It’s not a pleasant thought, but you should be tested for all sexually transmitted diseases.
- Suggest to your partner that you would like them to go to a marital counselor with you, so that a neutral third party can help the two of you recover from this painful episode. Not everyone has to get divorced, but the work is never easy.
- While blaming yourself is not useful, it might be wise to reflect on what happened between the two of you that precipitated this event. That might make the job of healing easier.
- Self reflection is not too useful when your partner is a “serial cheater.” Don’t immediately assume that if your partner has betrayed you that they are necessarily a serial cheater. But if they are, they will have had multiple affairs; the only questions you might want to ask yourself are, “What made me attracted to this person in the first place,” and “What do I want to do about this situation now.” If you still want to stay, demand that they go into intensive psychotherapy or the chances of reconciliation are slim.
- If you are no longer with the unfaithful partner, try and put the experience behind you and move on. It may be good to meet new people. Join a community group or become active in your town.
Having your significant other cheat on you can be a very traumatic experience. You may feel like your world has been turned upside down and you don’t know what to do with yourself. You may benefit from speaking to a psychotherapist. I may be able to help you deal with what you are feeling.
You can call me at (516) 731-7611 or
reach me through email at Info@MarkDworkin.com
