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Intimacy: Emotional & Physical
“For Pete’s sake! Being married to you is like trying to kiss an encyclopedia!” he snapped, turning onto his side and pulling the blankets up to his ears. His wife had been reading, and her question about the relationship between ideas and reality had popped into her mind just as he wriggled over to her side of the bed. She hadn’t seen his playful grin or his big, expectant eyes until the question had already left her mouth.
Scenes like this happen frequently between couples, and their significance depends on the couple’s particular communication system. This play of events could mean one thing to couple A, and a totally different thing to couple B. Perhaps for couple A, the wife feels complimented for her intelligence and the husband takes pleasure in being chosen over a book. Couple B may react completely differently, with both husband and wife feeling rejected and misunderstood.
Positive feelings are key to a healthy sexual relationship. Of course, this includes mutual respect, trust, and other basic feelings. But this positivity also encompasses smaller parts that lead to the bigger picture. Here are examples of actions that can increase positive feelings and sexual satisfaction within a relationship:
Complimenting
Noticing things you like about your partner and pointing them out can go a long way. It is important to give straightforward, genuine compliments (such as “I know how hard you worked to make that dinner, and I appreciate it”), rather than backhanded compliments (such as “I like the way you comb your hair to cover up your bald spot”), which are hurtful.
Speaking about sex in a positive, non-challenging way
If you tell your partner, “sex isn’t good anymore,” he or she is likely to interpret your statement as a personal critique. Saying something like “I like it when you caress the small of my back” is more effective. You’re speaking in the first person (using an “I” statement), and claiming your own feelings without apology or defense. This noncritical attitude encourages your partner to listen to your feelings without feeling attacked. He or she is more likely to want to work with you to make you happier because your partner now feels empowered rather than criticized.
Touching
Some people are touchers, and some aren’t. Even if you are not a toucher by nature, it’s worth considering that touching can communicate your feelings better than words sometimes. Nonverbal communication through physical affection, even something as simple as handholding, is a powerful method of bonding.
Understanding when to give your partner space
The need for privacy can be as important as the need for companionship, and it’s a sign of respect when you allow your partner the space he or she needs. During tense discussions, it’s better to recognize when you’ve both reached your point of needing a break from the topic than it is to keep pushing on until you’re both in a bad mood and not communicating effectively anymore. Allowing each other space to clear your minds can lead to more productive discussions, and more positive feelings between the two of you.
Respectfully initiating or declining sex
Both men and women can feel pressure not to say no to sex when their partner initiates. However, when you are too tired, too sick, too preoccupied, or too busy to want to make love, then declining indicates that you respect and value your sexual relationship with your partner enough to be honest. Saying something to the effect of “I’m just not feeling well today, but I bet by tomorrow I’ll be feeling better” conveys the message that you care about your partner’s wishes enough that you will try again the next day. This is a positive way of communicating, rather than simply turning your partner away with no explanation.
Additionally, it’s important to consider your partner’s perspective if he or she rejects you without effectively communicating why. Rather than taking it personally, you might try asking in a non-defensive tone why he/she isn’t interested right now. Offering to talk about what’s on your partner’s mind is not only a good way to understand why he/she declined sex, but it also opens up the lines of communication and shows that you care about your partner’s well-being.
These suggestions are just a guide, and some may not work for you and your partner. If you and your partner are still having trouble achieving healthy emotional and/or physical intimacy, it may be helpful to speak with a mental health professional. Psychotherapy, which often includes techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or EMDR, can be a great way to resolve past and present issues. Contact Mark Dworkin at (516) 731-7611 for further information.
