Fighting for Your Marriage

In the outside world, proving your power in competition and defeating your opponent may be the main goal when your temper is high.  However, in marriage and partnerships, this type of fighting can lead to divorce.  When tempers flare between spouses or partners, it’s important for both to acknowledge that the goal isn’t to beat the competitor.  It’s okay for both people to fight for what they want, so long as ‘what they want’ includes their partner’s well-being too.  The ultimate goal of any fight should be to strengthen your partnership and understanding of each other’s needs. Thus, fighting for each other, rather than just fighting with each other, is a sign that you and your partner are handling your conflicts well.

Fighting fairly is important in order to maintain a healthy relationship.  While things that work for one couple may not work for another, here are some guidelines for fighting effectively that would benefit most couples:

Pick an appropriate time and place to fight

Don’t bombard your partner with a heated argument while he or she is in the middle of a hundred other tasks, like cooking dinner, taking out the trash, and getting the kids ready for bed.  Pick a time when you can focus your attention on each other and give the argument the proper discussion it deserves.  Similarly, don’t choose a location such as the bedroom, where you don’t want hostility to affect an otherwise romantic atmosphere, or somewhere that poses a risk to your safety, such as the car while one of you is driving.  Pick a safe, private area to sit down and talk.

Leave out unnecessary, hurtful comments

Chances are, you know all the little things that would emotionally harm your spouse – comments about his or her waistline, baldness, etc.  Bringing up these sensitive topics mid-fight is nasty and unproductive, and will only create more anger and defensiveness.  Leave these digs out.

Focus on communicating your needs, not just your complaints

Be specific about what you need.  A vague statement such as “I can’t stand how you treat me around the house” doesn’t explain what you DO want your partner to do.  “I want to come home from work and not have dishes piled in the sink or a messy house to clean,” is a better way to explain what you’d like to change at home.  Practice your requests out loud to yourself before telling your spouse – do they seem reasonable and important?  Also, don’t drag out a whole catalogue of complaints or it will seem as though you’ve been planning a war.  Stick with simple, direct statements in the first person (“I need to talk,” “I feel,” etc.) and take responsibility for your feelings, rather than dumping the blame onto your partner.

Be a good listener

Don’t tell your partner how he/she should or shouldn’t be feeling.  All feelings are valid, even if we don’t understand someone’s perspective on the matter.  When your partner brings up an issue in your relationship, don’t counter it with unrelated problems over which you’ve been harboring resentment.  Listen to his or her specific concerns, and address them directly, also using “I” statements to explain your side.  Pick another time to bring up your other issues.

If you and your partner practice these techniques, you might find that your fights become fairer and more constructive.  However, if it seems that tempers are still flaring over little things that aren’t all that important, it’s possible that you are angry about a bigger issue.  Sometimes, it’s easier to pick fights over small concerns than it is to face the real problem that’s hiding under the surface of these day-to-day issues.

If you think this might be the case in your relationship, or if you and your partner are fighting in a way that continuously brings you further apart rather than closer together, then perhaps it is worth speaking with a mental health professional.  Psychotherapy is a great option, because your therapist can provide an outsider’s point of view and a neutral ear.  Additionally, therapists may use techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or EMDR to help you resolve past and present areas of conflict.  If you would like to get on the path to a happier, more fulfilling partnership, contact Mark Dworkin at (516) 731-7611 for more information.

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