Choosing a Partner

Love is essential for a happy, successful long-term relationship.  But what is love, really?  Is it an intangible, giddy feeling that can only be explained as “being in love”?  Sure, this may be a component.  But all-conquering love – the type that allows a couple to flourish in their lives together – encompasses much more than vague emotions. True love comprises qualities such as courage, honesty, perseverance, humbleness, openness, trust and generosity.  Many people don’t think of these when they think of what love means, but such qualities are crucial.

Relationships test your greatest strengths and weaknesses, as well as those of your partner.  Therefore, it’s very important that you know yourselves and each other well enough to ensure you are compatible in your lifestyles and in your willingness to create a loving, long-lasting partnership.

What kinds of things do you need to ask each other?  Individuals have very different needs and ways of relating to one another, so there is no defined list for compatibility.  However, there are a number of categories that most people might wish to consider when choosing a spouse or life partner.  Here are some examples:

Communication Style

Are you very open, or are you more private? Do you like to think very carefully before speaking and making decisions, or are you more likely to react quickly and emotionally?  Do you find it easy to bring up issues you have with others, or do you have difficulty with confrontation?

Careers & Home Life

Do both of you wish to work, or will one of you stay at home?  Are both of you likely to feel comfortable with this arrangement, and the potential stressors that may come?  For example, if both of you want to work, are you two willing to accept some sacrifice in domestic life (such as less home-cooked meals) for the sake of the extra paycheck?  There is no way to guarantee that having this discussion will ward off future work/home-related stress, but talking about it in advance can alleviate some of the uncertainty.

Children

Do both of you want children, and if so, how many?  Will one of you stay at home to raise them, or will you both continue to work and hire others to help?  It is not uncommon for people who don’t plan on having children to have a change of heart, or for people who wanted children to decide against it; thus, the children vs. no children conversation doesn’t necessarily set anything in stone.  You or your partner may end up disagreeing at some point, even if you agree now.  How would you two deal with a shift in plans? Are you both flexible and willing to compromise, or would this be a deal-breaker?

Education

Will one partner support the other while he or she is in school?  Will both partners have the chance to further their education if they choose? Or will one person have to sacrifice their opportunity for an education?  How will you both feel about this plan?

Leisure

Do you crave adventurous outings and lots of entertainment, while your partner is more of a homebody who needs plenty of alone time?  Are you able to find activities you both enjoy, as well as a good balance of time spent together vs. apart?

Money

Do you and your partner spend in similar ways, or is one of you a spendthrift and one of you a penny pincher?  Are you able to come up with a plan for saving and spending that satisfies both of you?  Money can be a tricky subject, because financial circumstances may shift for better or for worse many times throughout your lives together.  Are you two likely to be able to compromise and handle changes in your money situation as a team?

Religion

If you are planning on raising children, have you two discussed whether your children would be brought up with a particular religion?  If you and your spouse have different religious beliefs, are you able to reach a decision about this matter that is satisfactory to both?  Don’t forget the potential issues that come along with the merging of family members from both sides– how will you two deal with these potential conflicts of opinion?

It’s certainly old news that relationships require lots of give-and-take, flexibility, and compromise.  The question is, how do you make sure that you and your partner are on the same page before committing to each other for life?  There is no contract to sign that says, “I will be a flexible and cooperative spouse.” But there are things you can do to maximize your chances of choosing the right person for you and enjoying a happy marriage or partnership.

For instance, having an honest and open discussion about some of the categories I’ve listed above is a fantastic way to figure out areas of compatibility and perhaps areas of conflict.  Differing opinions are not always a bad thing; in fact, they can be beneficial because they allow you to see how the two of you respond to obstacles.  Can you work together as a team to find a compromise, rather than as two opposing forces?  Since you will inevitably face some challenges in your married life, it’s important to make sure you are compatible in your efforts to work through problems before tying the knot.

Another method of figuring out some of these issues is speaking with a religious figure who has been trained in pre-marital counseling.  Churches and synagogues typically have clergymen who can help, if you’re considering a wedding in one of these settings.

If a clergyman isn’t applicable, or you are interested in pursuing these pre-marital matters on a more in-depth level, then psychotherapy with a mental health professional is a wonderful option.  Psychotherapy can be very effective in helping couples to discuss their concerns, build a constructive relationship, and develop tools they can use to work through problems.  Therapists may use techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or EMDR to help you and your partner resolve past and present areas of conflict, to pave the way for a better future together.

If you would like to speak with a mental health professional,
contact Mark Dworkin at (516) 731–7611 for further information.