Victims of Bullying

Being bullied is an unfortunately widespread issue for children and teenagers, and it is too often written off as just a normal part of the growing up process.  The occasional argument with friends or rough ‘playing around’ may be healthy, but bullying and being bullied ARE NOT healthy.  Bullying is different.  It involves intentional, repeated actions intended to make the victim feel anxious, intimidated, frightened, and powerless.  It’s not about two friends having a conflict; rather, it’s about exploitation of power.

Many people have been the victims of bullies. People who have been bullied are more prone to develop psychological problems such as anxiety and depression later in life; however, many bullied children grow up to be happy, well-functioning adults. The good news: children can survive it.  The bad news: knowing that people get through the bullying doesn’t usually make it any less painful or traumatic for children who are currently victims.

Who are the victims?

Bullying can affect many different types of children, though there are certain characteristics that may make children more susceptible to being victimized.   Here are some examples:

• Shyness
• Insecurity
• Trouble defending themselves
• Poor social skills
• Socially isolated; has few friends

Bullying affects both boys and girls, but the type of aggression is often different.  Boys are more frequently the victims of physical violence or direct verbal threats, while girls are more typically victims of the rumor mill or being excluded from social plans.  All forms of bullying can be quite distressing, and although many people are victimized, it is common for victims to feel very alone while they’re going through it.

Signs your child is being bullied

While some victimized children will tell their parents openly about what they are experiencing, this is not always the case.  Some children may be embarrassed to talk about it, or may be fearful that the bullying will get worse if the bullies find out that they told.  Thus, even if your child doesn’t report being a victim, it’s important to look out for hints that bullying may be an issue.

Although signs of victimization may differ depending on the child, your child may be experiencing bullying if some of the following common indications are present.  Select “True” or “False” for each description, depending on if it currently describes your child:

True/False            Frequent damage to clothes or belongings

True/False            Frequently complains of feeling sick, and/or tries to stay home from school

True/False            Sleeps significantly more or less than usual

True/False            Seems more anxious

True/False            Doing poorly in school (especially if this is inconsistent with past performance)

True/False            Displays anger that is not typical for him/her (sometimes, victimized children try to cope by becoming more aggressive to compensate for feeling helpless)

True/False         Hangs out mainly with younger children (i.e. has problems with peers)

This survey is not scientific; it is provided as a guide.  If you’ve circled “true” for any of these descriptions, there is a chance your child is being victimized.  The more “true” responses, the more problematic the issue may be.  Please continue reading for advice about how to help your child.

Ways you can help your child cope with bullying

If you suspect or know that your child is being victimized, here are some ways you might be able to help:

• Let your child know that it is okay for victims of bullying to feel scared, upset, and anxious – he/she has every right to feel this way.  But this does NOT mean it’s okay for the bully to
• Assure your child that he/she is not to blame for the bullying.  Explain that you are proud of him/her for reporting it to you, and that you’re going to find a way to make the bullying stop.
• If your child has trouble opening up to you about what’s occurring, try asking direct questions (such as “What happens during recess?” and “How is the bus ride to and from school?”).
• Suggest to your child that he/she tries to avoid the bullies (i.e. choose other activities, move to a different area – ideally near an authority figure who can keep an eye out for aggressive behavior).
• Encourage your child to participate in constructive social activities outside of school, such as sports and volunteer events.  This can help your child to make friends with similar interests, and build confidence in his/her social skills.
• Explain to your child that physically fighting back is not the answer, and can make the bullying worse.
• Inform the school’s teachers and administrators of the bullying your child is experiencing, and where/when it tends to occur.  Ask them to be watchful and to take proper action if they observe any bullying.

These suggestions are a guide, and may not be effective in all situations.  You may have some good ideas about how to help your child, too, depending on his/her individual needs.

Furthermore, if your child is a victim of bullying, he or she may benefit from psychotherapy with a mental health professional.  Trained counselors are often a wonderful support for children who are being bullied, because they can help them find appropriate ways to stand up for themselves and deal with the negative emotions they may be experiencing.  Cognitive-behavioral therapy and EMDR are two techniques that a psychotherapist may use to help your child get through this difficult situation. If you are interested in more information, contact Mark Dworkin LCSW at (516) 731-7611.

 

Sources

Cedeno, L. & Elias, M.  How do you know when your student or child is being victimized and how you can help.  Education.com. Retrieved Oct. 14, 2010

My child is getting bullied – what should I do? Education.com.  Retrieved Oct. 14, 2010

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