Abuse of another person is completely unacceptable. Perhaps it is because I was raised being emotionally and physically abused by both of my parents. 

“Mark you are not smart enough but maybe if you try very hard you can make something of yourself.” Or, “You are just lazy, you should try harder.” Or my favorite one was being shunned for three days until I pleaded to have my parents talk to me. Being an only child, with a deaf and blind grandmother didn’t help.

It was only when I was my parent’s perfect child, was I deemed OK in their eyes. Strange as this may sound, I preferred the physical beatings to the shunning.

I know what it feels like to suffer from abuse. Sometimes it takes many years of treatment for the pain of abuse to subside. I am indebted to Dr. Francine Shapiro for developing EMDR. It quickened my healing, and now as a an EMDR Trainer, author and clinician I help others who suffer from various forms of abuse to heal in much less time than it took me.

• Emotional
• Physical
• Sexual
• Neglect

Emotional abuse

Parents often lose their temper with their kids. It happens. Kids need love AND discipline, but there are limits:

• It happens when yelling and anger go too far.
• When parents constantly criticize, threaten, or dismiss kids or teens until their self-esteem and feelings of self-worth are damaged.
• It can hurt and cause damage just as physical abuse does.
• When a parent loses his/her temper they should immediately apologize for this. But this does not mean that the child gets away with anything.
• After apologizing, it is useful to then explain what the child did wrong, and give rational discipline for the offense.
• In no way am I saying that you should let your child escape some form of deprivation or discipline because you yelled. That would be equally as ineffective. Just be “just.”

Physical abuse

There is no justification for any person to harm another. This includes physical actions by a parent that cause harm to a child, or physical actions by one spouse to another, such as in domestic violence. Human beings need to evolve to use our communication skills to express our displeasure in assertive terms.

 

Perhaps my views are colored by having been the victim of this kind of abuse. I was a good child and I know the effects it had on me. Parental discipline is necessary. It needs to be rational, verbal, and its aim needs to impart life lessons to children.

Domestic violence, mostly committed by men towards women (see Domestic violence section) is abhorrent as well.

Family violence affects everyone. It can happen in any kind of family. When one family member abuses another, the witnesses are severely affected as well. Some parents abuse their kids by using physical or verbal cruelty as a way of discipline.

It is the most easily spotted form of abuse.

• It may be any kind of hitting,
• Shaking,
• Burning,
• Pinching,
• Biting,
• Choking
• Throwing
• Beating,
• Or any actions that cause physical injury, or threaten physical harm

Sexual abuse

This form of abuse is defined as any type of sexual contact, or boundary transgression (“I was only peeping”) between an adult and anyone younger than 18; between a significantly older child and a younger child; or if one person overpowers another, regardless of age. If a family member sexually abuses another family member, this is called incest.

This form of abuse, more than any other leaves lasting damage to the victim.

I have heard all the rationalizations from perpetrators. I really don’t care if they had been sexually abused when they were children. It is abhorrent.  There are some psychotherapists who are able to treat perpetrators. I am not one of them. I have heard all the rationalizations and justifications I can tolerate. There is no excuse.

“She really did like it.” “She had it coming, you know, the way she would walk around with her cleavage showing?”

While women are certainly more at risk men are as well. The Catholic Church has covered up its sins for too long. Finally this Pope is trying to do something about this abomination. I recently co-authored a journal article published in the Journal of EMDR Practice and Research in its current Volume, August 2010:

Farrell. F.,Dworkin, M., Keenan, P., and Spierings, J., “Using EMDR With Survivors of Sexual Abuse Perpetrated by Roman Catholic Priests. Journal of EMDR Practice and Research. V. 4 (3) p. 124-133.

Priests in the Catholic Church are not the only clerical sinners. You can find clergy abuse in many Judeo-Christen denominations. The loss of faith, and the turning away from religion, pains me.

I used to go to a Hindu Ashram in the Berkshire Mountains. It was a sanctuary for my fast paced life, and when I started going there it was because of the broken promises of the Managed Behavioral Care Industry. I mention this place because the “Guru” was having sexual relations with his disciples.

No matter what form of faith you practice remember it is not the faith that has failed you, it is the individuals who have betrayed you.

Neglect

Neglect is probably the hardest type of abuse to define. Neglect occurs when a child or teen doesn’t have adequate food, housing, clothes, medical care, or supervision. Emotional neglect happens when a parent doesn’t provide enough emotional support or deliberately and consistently pays very little or no attention to a child. But it’s not neglect if a parent doesn’t give a kid something he or she wants, like a new computer or a cell phone.

Abuse doesn’t just happen in families, of course. Bullying is another form of abusive behavior. Bullying someone through intimidation, threats, or humiliation can be just as abusive as beating someone up. Now we as a society have a new form of abuse, “Cyberbullying.”

People who bully others may have been abused themselves. This is also true of people who abuse someone they’re dating. But being abused is no excuse for abusing someone else.

Abuse can also take the form of hate crimes directed at people just because of their race, religion, abilities, gender, or sexual orientation.

Recognizing Abuse

It may sound strange, but people sometimes have trouble recognizing that they are being abused. Recognizing abuse may be especially difficult for someone who has lived with it for many years. A person might think that it’s just the way things are and that there’s nothing that can be done. People who are abused might mistakenly think they bring it on themselves by not acting right or by not living up to someone’s expectations.

Someone growing up in a family where there is violence or abuse may not know that there are other ways for family members to treat each other. A person who has only known an abusive relationship may mistakenly think that hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, or angry name-calling are perfectly normal ways to treat someone when you’re mad. Seeing parents treat each other in abusive ways might lead a child to think that’s a normal relationship. But abuse is not a normal or healthy way to treat people.

If you’re not sure you are being abused, or if you suspect a friend is, it’s always OK to ask a trusted adult or friend.

Why Does It Happen?

If you’re one of the thousands of people living in an abusive situation, it can help to understand why some people abuse — and to realize that the violence is not your fault. Sometimes abusers manipulate the people they are abusing by telling them they did something wrong or “asked for it” in some way. But that’s not true.

There is no single reason why people abuse others. But some factors seem to make it more likely that a person may become abusive.

Growing up in an abusive family is one factor. Other people become abusive because they’re not able to manage their feelings properly. For example, someone who is unable to control anger or can’t cope with stressful personal situations (like the loss of a job or marriage problems) may lash out at others inappropriately. Alcohol or drug use also can make it difficult for some people to control their actions.

Certain types of personality disorders or mental illness might also interfere with a person’s ability to relate to others in healthy ways or cause people to have problems with aggression or self-control. Of course, not everyone with a personality disorder or mental illness becomes abusive.

Fortunately, abuse can always be corrected. Everyone can learn how to stop.

What Are the Effects of Abuse?

When people are abused, it can affect every aspect of their lives, especially self-esteem. How much abuse harms a person depends on the situation and sometimes on how severe the abuse is. Sometimes a seemingly minor thing can trigger a big reaction. Being touched inappropriately by a family member, for example, can be very confusing and traumatic.

Every family has arguments. In fact, it’s rare when a family doesn’t have some rough times, disagreements, and anger. Punishments and discipline — like removing privileges, grounding, or being sent to your room — are normal. Yelling and anger are normal in parent-teen relationships too — although it can feel pretty bad to have an argument with a parent or friend. But if punishments, arguments, or yelling go too far or last too long it can lead to stress and other serious problems.

Teens who are abused (or have been in the past) often have trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. They may not do well at school because they are angry or frightened, or because they can’t concentrate or don’t care.

Many people who are abused distrust others. They may feel a lot of anger toward other people and themselves, and it can be hard to make friends. Abuse is a significant cause of depression in young people. Some teens may engage in self-destructive behavior, such as cutting or abusing drugs or alcohol. They may even attempt suicide.

It’s normal for people who have been abused to feel upset, angry, and confused about what happened to them. They may feel guilty and embarrassed and blame themselves. But abuse is never the fault of the person who is being abused, no matter how much the abuser tries to blame others.

Abusers may manipulate a person into keeping quiet by saying stuff like: “This is a secret between you and me,” or “If you ever tell anybody, I’ll hurt you or your mom,” or “You’re going to get in trouble if you tell. No one will believe you and you’ll go to jail for lying.” This is the abuser’s way of making a person feel like nothing can be done so he or she won’t report the abuse.

People who are abused may have trouble getting help because it means they’d be reporting on someone they love — someone who may be wonderful much of the time and awful to them only some of the time. A person might be afraid of the consequences of reporting, either because they fear the abuser or the family is financially dependent on that person. For reasons like these, abuse often goes unreported.

Informational Strategies About What Should Someone Who’s Being Abused Do

People who are being abused need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn’t protect anyone from being abused — it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.

If you or anyone you know is being abused, talk to someone you or your friend can trust — a family member, a trusted teacher, a doctor, or a school or religious youth counselor. Many teachers and counselors have training in how to recognize and report abuse.

Telephone directories list local child abuse and family violence hotline numbers that you can call for help. There’s also Childhelp USA at (800) 4-A-CHILD ([800] 422-4453).

Sometimes people who are being abused need to find a safe place to live temporarily. It is never easy to have to leave home, but it’s sometimes necessary to be protected from further abuse. People who need to leave home to stay safe can find local shelters listed in the phone book or they can contact an abuse helpline. Sometimes a person can stay with a relative or friend.

Basically there are four categories of abuse:

People who are being abused often feel afraid, numb, or lonely. Getting help and support is an important first step toward changing the situation.

Everyone who has experienced abuse find that painful emotions remain long after the abuse stops.

Working with an EMDR therapist is one way to sort through the complicated feelings and reactions that being abused creates, and the process can help to rebuild feelings of safety, confidence, and self-esteem.

Please don’t wait, make excuses, or think that the feelings you have as a reaction to abuse will pass. They rarely do.

I’m Mark Dworkin LCSW and I help people who suffer from the ravages of abuse regularly.

Call me at 516-731-7611, or write to me at mdworkin@optonline.net.

DON’T WAIT!

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