Domestic Violence

What is it?

Domestic Violence, or DV, could be:

Name-calling or putdowns.
Keeping a partner from contacting their family or friends.
Withholding money.
Stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job.
Actual or threatened physical harm.
Sexual assault
Stalking
Intimidation
It can happen in any kind of family.
DV knows no race, socioeconomic class, or culture.
This is usually committed by men towards women or children, but not always.

Human beings need to evolve to use our communication skills to express our displeasure verbally. Family violence affects everyone. Witnesses to domestic violence are traumatized as well.

The Cycle of Violence

First comes the act of violence.
Next, the perpetrator asks for forgiveness and is granted it.
Then there is a honeymoon period where there seems to be a cessation of violence.
The honeymoon period never lasts.
There follows an escalating period where the perpetrator begins to start first with criticisms that escalate.
The criticisms are usually about very minor instances, or may be complete fabrications.
Until another act of violence is perpetrated.

Strategies If You Are A Victim of DV

(These suggestions are for information and education only. Everyone’s situation is different, and if you are a victim contact your nearest Center Against Domestic Violence for professional help and advise for your particular situation)

If you are the victim of Domestic Abuse:

Plan
Plan
Plan
Don’t make excuses for you domestic partner, like, “he’s under a lot of pressure,”
He may be but there is no excuse for harming you or your children.
Inform the police and obtain an Order of Protection.
Contact Social Services and put a complaint on record.
Do not, DO,NOT believe your spouse’s pleas of sorrow; that it was just a “one time” thing.
Call your lawyer, or have the court appoint a lawyer and/or a law guardian.
These steps may or may not be sufficient.
Law enforcement has their limitations.
In the most severe cases, take your children and run! But if you do, get out a pen and paper and write out some of the safety steps I’ll teach you.

If You Need To Leave:

Make a Safety Plan:
Practice your exit strategy a number of times.
Tell close friends and family you know you can trust.
Have a number of places you can go to where you (and your children won’t be found).
Make sure to have enough money for a few weeks.
Check to make sure there are no weapons he could get access to in the house.
Have a “go bag” of things you need to use everyday.
Spend time going outside your house even if it’s just to throw out the garbage. (You never know what productive ideas might pop into your head).
If you can, open a separate checking and savings account.
Consider leaving first without your children (you’ve already contacted the Department of Social Services; and alerted the Child Protective Services people; This is still a very tricky issue and you should get professional help, in person, or if you are imprisoned by the perpetrator, you can call your nearest Crisis Center, Coalition against Domestic Violence; or any agency you can find in your area by doing an internet search to get specific instructions by a licensed mental health professional trained to work with families of DV).
Do this if leaving together could get all of you killed.
Remember, you are no good for your kids if he kills you!
Have a list of all your children’s medicines. (if not the medicines themselves).
Make copies of important phone numbers including friends, family, doctors, and the courts.
Take records from your children’s school; any medical records.
Make copies of important phone numbers including friends, family, doctors, and the courts.
Have sufficient identification on you (driver’s license, registration, social security card, welfare card, green card, mortgage, life, health and driver insurances.
So you’ve made a safe getaway, and you have your children as well.
Get a throwaway cell phone so that he can’t find you.
Have it programmed to call 911 as the call.
Make sure you have your Order of Protection on you at all times; and have 2 extra copies that friends and family can hold onto.
Take personal items which are meaningful to you.
If you have small children, take some of their favorite stuffed animals.
Contact the Office On Violence Against Women for further help.
And remember, he’s not going to stop just because he says he will.
And Remember This Above All Else:

Others have been in your shoes and are willing to help.
You never asked for this; and you don’t deserve it.
While he may have made you his captive, you are not alone.

If You Are A Perpetrator of Domestic Violence

If the perpetrating spouse truly wants to make amends:
- Admit that you are powerless over your violent emotions, and begin to believe that power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. (While this is the first step in any 12 Step program like AA, it applies to every man who has acted abusively towards his family). This admission is not intended as an excuse; it’s a admission that you are disturbed; that you have caused harm; and that you need and are willing to get help. If you think you can do this by yourself, “Fagetaboutit”).
- Get Anger Management training, as a precondition to family therapy.
- Then Family Therapy
- Expect to have these two suggestions as a condition before a possible reconciliation and moving back home.
  Also, work out a contract with your family therapist that every adult signs. If you are the perpetrator, expect your spouse to make copies and that she will give one to her lawyer, and one to your local Police Department
- Don’t ask to move back home until everyone feels safe for you to do so.
- Those of you may be alcoholics or substance abusers, but this is not the reason or excuse for your violent behavior.
- Get Sober.
- Work Your Program Through AA or other 12 step programs.
- How did it feel to be on the receiving end?
- Now please start by admitting that you need help!
- Now get anger management training as well. Then go to family therapy.
- You can free yourself and live a full life without the terror.
- For a great overview with many wise suggestions, check into:
- www.domesticviolence.org.

This is the first thing I believe that you must do:

Next Steps:

DV and Substance Abuse – (You may be surprised to find out that a minority of perpetrators are NOT substance abusers).

Ask yourself the following question if you were ever on the receiving end of physical violence: