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Separation Anxiety Disorder
If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to these questions, it’s possible that your child is suffering from separation anxiety disorder. If so, it’s important to know that you and your child are not alone; it’s a disorder that affects many other children, as well. Luckily, the suffering can be reduced with proper treatment. Please keep reading for more information.
Separation Anxiety: What’s Normal and What’s Not?
It’s very common for young children to experience anxiety when saying goodbye to their parents. This separation anxiety may begin a little before the child is one, and may continue into the toddler years. The duration and intensity can greatly from child to child. Generally, the anxiety reduces and eventually fades away with time and the realization that goodbyes are only temporary.
However, for children with separation anxiety disorder, these troubles persist into the elementary school years and sometimes beyond. Such children experience such intense distress that it interferes with their day-to-day functioning. For example, it may prevent them from doing well in school and/or forming friendships.
It can be difficult to tell the difference between what’s normal and what’s not. Please keep reading for more information, and consider consulting a mental health professional if you are concerned about your child.
Symptoms of Separation Anxiety Disorder
If you suspect that your child is suffering from separation anxiety disorder, you may wish to take this survey. Fill in 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 for each statement, depending on how often it describes your child. (*Please note: this is for informational purposes only. It is NOT a scientific assessment. For a proper diagnosis, you’ll need to consult a mental health specialist.*)
1 = Never
2 = Rarely
3 = Sometimes
4 = Frequently
5 = Always
___ My child refuses to go to school, or begs to stay home.
___ My child complains of feeing sick before or during separation.
___ My child physically clings to my body when I try to leave.
___ My child fears that something bad will happen to me when we’re apart (such as a car accident).
___ My child fears that something bad will happen to him/her when we’re apart (such as kidnapping).
___ My child continuously follows me around the house.
___ My child is afraid or reluctant to go to sleep, and/or reports nightmares about separation.
___ My child is fearful of leaving the house.
___ My child throws tantrums that are not age-appropriate.
___ My child’s separation anxiety prevents him/her from developing friendships.
___ My child’s separation anxiety is interfering with his/her performance at school.
___ My child withdraws from friends and family.
___ Just the thought of saying goodbye makes my child extremely distressed.
If you’re selected 3, 4, or 5 for some of these questions, it’s possible that your child is suffering from separation anxiety disorder. (Again, this survey is not a replacement for a consultation with a mental health specialist.)
What Causes Separation Anxiety Disorder?
Causes vary from person to person, so there is no underlying factor in all situations of separation anxiety. However, there are common factors that may contribute in some cases. For example:
- Genetic predisposition
- Change in surroundings (e.g. beginning at a new day care, or moving to a new house)
- Stressful circumstances (e.g. a death in the family)
- Over-protective parents (sometimes, the parent’s own concerns about leaving the child can fuel the child’s anxiety)
Self-Help Suggestions
- Listen to your child. He/she may feel alone and isolated due to the disorder, and knowing that you are there to listen and sympathize can really help your child.
- Provide choices. If your child is throwing a tantrum as you’re trying to leave the house, suggest the option of going up to his/her room to read, or help set the table for dinner. Giving your child choices about what he/she can do after you leave may give him/her a better sense of control.
- Educate yourself about separation anxiety disorder. This will allow you to better understand what your child is experiencing, which will make it easier for you to remain patient and sympathetic.
- Be consistent and composed when saying goodbye to your child. Even if she is crying and screaming, you should be firm, loving, and giving your full attention while saying goodbye. Once you say you are leaving, follow through; coming back after you’ve said goodbye once only makes it more difficult for your child to calm down.
- Encourage your child to participate in constructive extracurricular activities. This may help him/her to connect with peers and gain confidence in his/her ability to engage in activities without you.
- Provide a regular, predictable schedule for your child. If you need to alter the schedule one day, explain the change in advance to him/her so it doesn’t come as a surprise. Being able to predict events may give your child a better sense of control.
- Praise your child for positive steps, such as going to school without complaint or saying goodbye without a tantrum.
- Practice being apart from each other, getting used to new people, etc. For example, if you’ve hired a new babysitter to watch your child, it would be helpful to invite the sitter to come spend some time with you and your child together perhaps a few days before. Your child is more likely to relax around the babysitter if she gets to know her while still in her comfort zone (i.e. while you’re still around).
Seeking Professional Treatment
While the above suggestions may be useful in reducing your child’s distress, they are not meant to be a substitution for treatment with a mental health professional. Qualified therapists are trained in methods such as cognitive-behavioral therapy and EMDR, which can help your child understand his/her irrational anxiety about separation, develop more adaptive thoughts and behaviors, and find ways to cope with saying goodbye.
Many children have suffered from separation anxiety disorder, and have gotten through it with the help of supportive parents and a mental health specialist. Please help your child get the treatment he/she needs to return to a normal, carefree life.
For more information, you can
contact Mark Dworkin, LCSW at (516) 731-7611.
